Sassafras, Did you know? – Tribute to a lost friend

 In Diaries of a Veterinarian, my human mom, Dr. Dunn, discusses life as a vet, gives vet tips, and discusses all things vet related as a guest on my blog. 

The joy of sharing your life with a beloved animal is indescribable. Those who have never truly loved a pet will never understand the happiness they bring. Along with that comes the utter heartbreak when their brief time on earth comes to an end.

I have shared my life with many animals, and they are all dearly loved. But my sweet dachshund mix, Sassafras, rescued while I was but a mere vet student, quickly became my soul dog. I spent 15 beautiful years with her. And then, suddenly one day, the worst day of my life, with little time for me to prepare, she was just gone.

I could not breathe, could not eat. I couldn’t believe people were just acting like life was normal. I got “sorry about your dog” obligatory pats on the back. And almost no one really knew. No one knew that my world was broken, I was broken. It has been six months now. Doesn’t time heal all wounds? Heal? That is a strong word. How do you “heal” a hole in your heart? Time doesn’t heal. It just gives you a chance to get used to the new reality.

In those initial, unbearable days, through tear-blurry eyes, I wrote a letter to my angel, my dear Sassafras. And somehow, some way, I just pray that she was able to receive my message and feel my deep love for her. Does she know?

My Dear Sassafras, did you know?

Did you know that the first moment I saw you I loved you?

You were at school, going to be euthanized if you weren’t adopted. We were at our pet limit in our home, but we would “foster” you anyway. But little did we know that the first night you were there you would crawl in bed between us like you had always just been there. And somehow I kept forgetting to list you on the pet adoption site. And your new permanent place became the center of the bed.

Did you know that everything you did brought me joy?

From your constant face kisses, your deep love of a booty scratch, to your passion for playing in the snow, I adored everything about you. You loved sleeping in, going on walks, meeting new people, and eating everything in site. You were so passionate about walking that you whined constantly in the car until we reached the trail. And when you were extra excited you would tilt your precious head back and howl. And Dad and I would join in.

Did you know that you taught me about endurance and hope?

Even though you had some neck problems, even though you were aging, the last big backpacking trip you took was your best. We worked you hard, walked many, many miles, and yet you completed the entire Georgia section of the Appalachian trail at the age of 13. And you did it gleefully. That last morning, when Dad and I were slowly putting the packs back together to start the difficult trail ahead, you ran to the trail, turned around and watched us, impatiently whining until we pulled ourselves together and followed you.

Did you know that I loved your gentle but bossy attitude?

You were so gentle and wise. But you also knew how to get your way. Just a few days before your last, when Dad was eating watermelon, you put your paws on his legs and barked until he complied with your demands. No other dogs could get away with this. But you are Sassafras, so there was no doubt you would be eating watermelon.

Did you know that you were and are my canine soul mate, my heart, and one of my greatest blessings?

We had an indescribable connection. Even though we didn’t speak the same language, it made no difference. We understood everything about each other.

Did you know that the last thing I did for 15 years when I left the house was to tell you goodbye?

And the first thing for 15 years upon returning home I did was to open the door and anxiously look to see you ready to happily jump up on my legs. And for 15 years without fail you were there. Even on your last full day on earth, you were there. Dad said when I was gone you would sit and stare out the window when you thought I should be returning home. And when you saw my car your sweet ears would perk up and you would run to the door to wait for me to enter.

Did you know that when you left me, so suddenly and unexpectedly, you left me shattered?

I have never felt a pain like this before. When I look in the mirror I expect to see a literal hole in my chest the pain is so intense. The thought of living the rest of my life without you is so unbearable that I can only take it one minute at a time. That day, the day I still can’t even think about, the day that doesn’t seem real, that was the day that my greatest fear, my worst nightmare came true. But if that means that somehow you were saved from suffering in any way down the road, I will gladly take all of the pain for you.

Do you know now?

Do you know now, now that you are in your final home with your other fur siblings, do you know how much you were loved while on this earth? I pray with all my heart that we gave you a good life, that we provided you with a happy home. And I pray that you can have even a small comprehension of the love we have for you, that we will always have for you. I am weak and imperfect, but whatever I am, whatever I have, all of me, every piece of me, loves you deeply.

I don’t know why you had to leave me so suddenly. I don’t know why things happen like they do. All I know is that I cherish every second, every instant that we shared together in this life. You changed me, and I was blessed more than any human has a right to be just because I got to share your life with you. Until we meet again, Sassafras.