Top 10 Cat Rules Humans Must Obey

I am very disappointed that I have to write this. There exists an unspoken, and yet clearly universally defined, set of cat rules that deserve attention. Any human who shares their home with a feline should be well aware of this. But, alas, it is not always so. Therefore, it is with exasperation that I have been compelled to assemble this list. Nevertheless, in the hopes that I may save at least one of my feline friends from unnecessary grief, I present to you the top 10 cat rules that all humans must obey.

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10.) All Waste Material Must Be Immediately Removed (so I can use the potty again…)

Humans, surely you are all aware of how disturbing it is to have to use a dirty potty. And, no offense, but we felines are much cleaner than humans. If I deposit my fluid or nuggets in the potty box, it is necessary to promptly take the scoop and remove said material. And as a cat, I reserve the right to immediately return to the box. I really hope Mom learns this important concept, as she has been known to become inexplicably exasperated when I use the box immediately after cleaning.

9.) In the Absence of Birds and Rodents, Alternate Prey Must Be Provided

It’s no secret that cats are hunters. We are sleek, ferocious, deadly carnivores. Our life’s work is to stand guard just in cast a smaller creature should wander into our territory. Then we must destroy it promptly! And if felines are not provided with an appropriate outlet for hunting and scratching, we are quite capable of inventing our own. Trust me, you don’t want to go there.

Unfortunately, the indoor habitat seems to be mostly devoid of life. Therefore, providing ample cat toys and Scratching and Climbing trees is essential to cat well-being (and do you care about your furniture???). It’s your choice, our cat furniture or your human furniture.

And just watch my brothers Gordon and Milton have fun with one of our favorite toys, the Tower of Tracks. They can take things just a little too seriously sometimes, don’t you think?

8.) Shoes, Purses, Water Bowls, etc, Are Appropriate Prey Depositories

And speaking of toys, don’t act surprised when they appear in unexpected locations. A feline reserves the right to drop surprises in any location. Small spaces such as shoes, purses, under the refrigerator, etc. are especially ideal. For many, though, nothing is as grand as fishing a toy (or food or treats) out of a water bowl. Do not judge.

As a side note, when your dear cat friend is kind enough to bring you a gift, you must try to show a little gratitude. Sister Echo once brought Dad a lovely gift to bed, which he did not receive graciously. She was able to find and apprehend an enormous, wiggly spider. Ever so gently she carried it to him to surprise him with breakfast in bed. She was careful not to kill it, so he could have the privilege. And when she presented him with his gift, he yelled and pushed her away. Folks, this is not acceptable!

7.) Feeding Time is Not Flexible

This is definitely one of the most important cat rules. I don’t care if your schedule changes from day to day. A cat’s stomach is on a very consistent schedule. Just because you are off work does not mean that the feeding schedule is to be altered in any way. A feline may reserve the right to sit on your chest, lick your face, scratch at your head, or participate in any other activity to ensure you fulfill your feeding duties on time. And should the feline be removed from the room and locked out (unacceptable), she may howl, cry, or scratch the door until human completes their feeding responsibilities.

6.) Because Humans Lack Proper Grooming Skills, Cats Must Be Allowed to Groom Them

Cats love our humans. We just have to accept the fact that humans are not always the cleanest creatures. Because we are naturally so good at grooming, it is our duty to lick our humans clean. This is our service to you, so please don’t squirm and complain when your dear feline companion exfoliates your face.

5.) Cat Rules Dictate That a Box Must Never Be Thrown Away

Boxes. They are some of the greatest things on this earth. No question. A cat can hide, sleep, play. The texture is grand. The acoustics are amazing! And have you ever chewed on the side of a box? Perfection! Why, oh why, would any human intentionally discard such a treasure? Unfathomable!

4.) Ample Hiding Places and High Perches Must Be Provided

Although we live among the humans, felines are still wild jungle creatures. Cats require lots of cat trees and Perches to feel secure. Not much floor space? No problem! Who wants to walk on the floor, anyway! When creating your perfect cat sanctuary, think up, not out!

3.) Fresh Clothing Out of the Dryer Must Not Be Removed Until Further Notice

The dryer buzzer goes off. The dutiful human trots over, removes the clothes, and deposits them on a bed or table. They are warm, soft, and fluffed to perfection for biscuit making. All felines know that this is a welcome invitation for cuddles and a nap. Calm down, people. Give a cat a chance to sleep!

2.) Keyboards, Paper, Books, etc. Must Be Provided for Sitting and Napping

Of the cat rules discussed, I feel that this one is far too often broken. And what a shame that is. Certainly, those surfaces are exceptionally comfortable. As much as a human stares at them, they are obviously locations of status. But sitting or sleeping on such areas is a favor to you, really. Instead of gazing at nonsense, a cat will provide you with hours of beauty and majesty for your viewing pleasure. You’re welcome. 

1.) It is an Honor When I sit in Your Lap – You Shall Not Move

I am confident that everyone knows this rule. Nevertheless, it is so important that I must repeat it. It is a tremendous honor and privilege when a feline graces your lap with her presence. If you are seated, you must not under any circumstances disturb the feline until she is ready to move. This includes food, water, or bathroom breaks. You may gently pet the cat unless otherwise directed. However, you absolutely shall not stretch, scratch, or anything else that requires excess shifting. And above all else, you must not sneeze!

Final Thoughts on the Importance of Respecting Cat Rules

Dear, dear humans. I know you try. Please, for kitty’s sake, memorize, frame, and read daily these cat rules. If you disobey, do not be surprised if you find scratches on your sofa, spiders in your shoes, and nuggets on your bed. Consider this your warning.

Now I must go. The dryer just buzzed, and I must lay claim to my spot on the fresh laundry. Until next time… Keeping Pebbles Strong.